TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be remarkable. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully out of position. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable h2o. But Certainly, positive, let's have A different put where American men can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: supply Absolutely everyone a collection about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he need to halt utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the task, replied, "You are aware of, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head noticeable from Room, a characteristic being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and also the chin is… properly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after locating the constructing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It's not just unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Puzzling Options


Probably the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where company might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Community Syrians are unsure what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The advertisement marketing campaign, just lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    eighteen% claimed "wherever's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is previously attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will also contain:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to view a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel in which my PTSD might have flip-down assistance."


One more article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to make a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You happen to be welcome."

Report this page